Demise of the Office Christmas Party
December 1 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party
will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the
banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No host bar,
but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't Be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
December 2 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an
important holiday which often coincides with Christmas,
though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy
applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this
time.
Happy now?
December 3 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a nondrinking table ... you didn't
sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but
if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you
wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody?
December 7 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December
2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes
the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon
this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the party the days
are so short this time of year or else package
everything for takehome in little foil swans. Will that
work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters
Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Did I miss anything?
December 8 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you
expect me to do, a tapdance on your heads? Fire
regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our
"earthbased Goddessworshipping" employees, but we'll try
to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
band's breaks. Okay???
December 9 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having
our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of
"Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil
connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a
tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family
feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on
Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
December 10 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're
going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue
whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your freaking salad bar,
including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have
feelings too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!
December 14 Memo
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a
speedy recovery from her stress related illness and I'll
continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.
We hope that this change does not offend anyone.
Goldsmiths
I hate the PC BS. Long live Santa!
1***************
"Enjoy life, it's ungrateful not to." - Ronald Reagan
"What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December
2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. "
A VERY good reason not to be Muslin....
2or Muslim, for that matter.
3Particularly if you are a Muslim in muslin.
4Maybe even nuzzling the muslin, even if not on a Muslim.
5I just knew you were gonna jump on that one.
6Who am I to dissapoint
7Or disappoint.
Gotcha!
8
9
10Toooooo good.
11You know, I wish that were funny.
Unfortunately, about 97% of it is true in my workplace.
Our "Winter Celebration", as it has become, is now boycotted by many, if not most, of the people in our division. (As I am one of them, I don't know how many really show up.) A good number celebrate separately, where they don't have to answer to the diversity nazi.
12I love my popsugar friends. You guys make me laugh out loud.
13lazybones, you should see us fight over a ball of yarn.
14lazy, I know what you mean. I laugh every day. (Just wait until we get the results of our rice experiment!! I talked sweetly into one rice's ear this morning and was totally rude to the other rice. The whole time I'm shaking my head.... If anyone saw me doing this....
)
15What exactly do you say to be rude to rice?:
16"Oh well aren't you looking dingy," "you're so tiny and insignificant," I should just re-boil your grainy little butt"
And how to prevent the other rice from hearing you?
I am just sitting hear giggling, picturing this in my head.
***************
"Enjoy life, it's ungrateful not to." - Ronald Reagan
Thanks, sam, you just gave me some material i can use....
) When I put them in the refrigerator, I had them sitting next to
each other, and I wondered if that was a good idea... (Geez, did I just say that???)
17I was being really mean to that rice, and I have to tell ya, I felt bad about it. The good rice, I moved to the end of the counter to separate it from the other rice when I was talking mean to it. (
Don't keep them to close in the fridge. That bad rice will be a bad influence on your good rice. Soon they will be raiding the fruit draw and squeezing the citrus to a bloody pulp
18***************
"Enjoy life, it's ungrateful not to." - Ronald Reagan
No! not pulp!
19Unfortunately, it is a seedy story.
20***************
"Enjoy life, it's ungrateful not to." - Ronald Reagan
Keep them close together, if you don't, you through an unnecessary random factor into your experiment. Besides you will want to listen close to the two of them, see if you here "nya nya, nya nya, ccpdm likes me better then you", or maybe a small sob or hiccup from the rice you are mean to.
21I am doing some serious mental eye rolling right now.
22If I find anything untoward going on in the fruit crisper, I know who to blame. Bad rice is grounded!!!
23I put a label saying love and happiness on the good rice. Though I am not really sure what to say to it. At first I had the bad and good rice stacked on top of each other. The bad rice was on the bottem. When I realized that that act alone might be giving the good rice an unfair advantage so I moved them side by side. hehehe
You aren't going to forget the rice in the fruit crisper are you, ccpdm?
24Hysterically funny!
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