If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
And a favorite-
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Isabella Oliver
1I like "My parents got us a quicksand box. I was an only child.....eventually."
2I live #19
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3A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Winston Churchill
Oh my! I can't choose a favorite! These are great!
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The man who speaks to you of sacrifice, speaks of slaves and masters. And intends to be the master.
4"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard." he must have been posting on certain areas of sugar
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"I will marshal all the forces of darkness to hound you to an assisted suicide." - In the Loop
Naw...I was pretty sure he was talking about pieces of sugar on 7 and 26...but then I know instances were we could apply all of these.
Sometimes my computer is so slow I feel stuck on 31.
67 i can see, 26 not sure of but 29 applies to one particular member
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"I will marshal all the forces of darkness to hound you to an assisted suicide." - In the Loop
IDK, I have to go with, "Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?"
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8"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under." Ronald Reagan
I'm one of the cameras without any film. Fortunately I compose the little bits and pieces from each image into strange new compositions of my ideas which others sometimes find interesting. Well, it's either that or they're too afraid to call the authorities.
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